[call waiting beeps]
Screw: Is that yours or mine?
Killer: Ignore it. I have voice mail.
Killer: Do you like scary movies?
Screw: Oh, you mean like Spike Lee movies?
Killer: Look, lay off the Spikester, he's keeping it real!
Screw: Math? How my supposed to know that? I'm a beautiful popular rich kid with a promising future in a light weight sorority at a state college. I don't need to know that stuff, I'm gonna get married.
Newspaper headline: "Popular Slut Killer--Football Team Mourns"
Killer: Do you think this stalking this is easy?
[splash sound heard]
Screw: Did you just fall in my pool?
School PA: Cheerleader tryouts will be held today in the gym. You must be 18 and comfortable with partial nudity.
PA: Attention students--The fight between the Bloods and the Crips is postponed until next Friday. Refreshments and a lovely dance will follow.
PA: Attention students--The band fundraiser will be held next Thursday in the auditorium. Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.
Martina: I've got a weird feeling Dawson
Dawson: Wait til you eat the tuna tacos.
PA: Would the following students please report to the Principal's office: Jack Mehoff, Mike Hunt, Lou Zer, and Heywood Jablomee
PA: Attention--tonight's PTA meeting will be held at the Hooter's Restaurant in Glendale. Please remind your parents. Also, whoever put real meat in today's lunch please remove it.
[after the awesome Grease sendup]
Guy 1: You're a fag.
Guy 2: Let's go write it on his locker.
Dawson: Of course it's stupid if no one else sings!
Secretary: Dawson, let me introduce you to the principal. Sorry, The Administrator-Formerly-Known-As-Principal.
Martina: Did you hear the news? About Screw. She was killed. Murdered. Gutted. Flayed. Sliced. Diced. Fried. And hung.
Boner: I'm never gonna get laid.
Martina: Oh, and it's all over the TV news.
Boner: Oh, great! Now everybody knows.
Barbara: Well, at least I feel safe here. Hi Chucky!
Little kid with knives: Wanna play?!
Dawson: What's the big deal? Kids get killed every day. This is high school.
Guy: No, Dawson, this kid was white!
Barbara: What are you doing here anyway, Doughey? You're not a real cop. Shouldn't you be guarding the Orange Julius?
Boner: [fake coughing] N.Y.Kiddy.GAP!
Slab: [fake coughing] Sergeant Sears!
Barbara: [fake coughing] Food court police!
Martina: Who cares about that crap?
Doughy: [pause] I do.
Boner: Hey guys, I have an idea! Let's all make a pact to lose our virginity before graduation!
Doughy: [high five] I'm in!
Everybody Else: We're not.
Hagatha: Actually, it's on cable. But it's just as important!
Doughy: Well, that's more important! On cable you can say [obvious fake dubbing] dyke, boobies, butts, bastards...
Mrs. Tingle: Who can tell me if Frankenstein was circumcized?
Doughy: Hagatha. Now that's a beautiful name.
Hagatha: Thanks. My friends call me Hag.
Nurse: Sex can be a beautiful, sensual experience between a man and a woman who truly love each other and want to spend eternity together laying in each other's gentle embrace. Or it can be a dirty, filthy spank-fest in a bus station restroom shared by two anonymous consenting adults on a layover in Detroit and no one ever need know!
Nurse: ...and that's how I knew I wasn't a lesbian!
Hagatha: [looking at photos] Who's that? Your grandmother?
Doughy: With the bong? Yeah.
Host: Do you have a reservation sir?
Host: Party of five?
Dawson: Wrong network!
Martina: Didn't your whole family get chopped up and fed to a fish farm?
Dawson: After all, it IS Halloween.
Slab: And Friday the 13th!
Dawson: On the same day? Impossible.
Boner: Slab's dyslexic.
Barbara: And so what if Boner's dad was cheating with my mom causing her to go on a downward spiral resulting into alcoholism?
Boner: [pause] My dad has what?
Dawson: You know what we've gotta do? We've gotta get out of here!
Boner: To someplace safe.
Martina: Yeah, in the middle of nowhere.
Slab: In the dark woods and pouring rain.
Dawson: Without any adult supervision or police protection anywhere in the vicinity.
Barbara: I know just the place! It's been totally deserted ever since those dorky kids were dismembered.
Boner: Are you talking about band camp?
Song: Death goes better with Mentals freshmaker!
School PA: [nod to "Airplane!"] The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only.
Teacher: Hello gang, welcome to Sex Education. If you aren't registered for this course or are a Southern Baptist, you're in the wrong room.
Teacher: I just need a volunteer to put some fueler in the projector. Anyone? Fueler? Fueler?
Martina: All right, listen. There are certain rules that you have to follow in a parody situation if you want to survive. Rule number one: exaggerate everything. Number 88: accept the ridiculous as logical. [flash to Boner getting down with a girl] Sexual sight gags, always funny. [Boner making sex noises while pulling out a splinter] And along with wacky sound effects... [Boner unzipping his pants with a "boing!" sound] And unlimited absurdity. [Killer frightens Boner into a heart attack with a chainsaw] Remember: nothing is sacred. [cross falls onto bed]
Dawson: You're forgetting, point out the obvious. [holds up a "dead man" sign pointing to Slab]
Martina: And finally, perpetually painful stereotypes.
Black guy in pimp outfit: Dat's ridikkulous!
Guy: Let's get down there before the coroner plays Weekend At Bernie's with him!
PA: May I have your attention for the results of yesterday's pregnancy tests. Susan Savinski: negative. Melissa Blake: positive. Jonathan Whiner: negative.
PA: Attention students--Flight 916 for Tuscany will be boarding at Gate 14A. The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only, no parking. ALso, today's happy hour will be held in the Biology lab. Remember, wings are free when you buy a pitcher.
PA: Attention students--there will be a fire drill at 3:05 today. Please bring your own matches and lighter fluid.
Doughy: Whereas Hardy enjoys a minuet, ballet ruse and crepes suzette,
Hardy: Doughy likes to rock n roll, a hot dog makes him lose control.
Hagitha: What a wild duet.
Martina: Still they're cousins.
Dawson: Identical cousins.
Martina: They laugh alike.
Dawson: They walk alike.
Martina: At times they even talk alike.
Hagitha: And you can lose your mind.
Dawson: I thought you were a lesbian.
Martina: A lesbian? Why?
Dawson: Hello! You play softball, you watch Ally McBeal... the WNBA!
Martina: No, Dawson, I'm not gay. Barbara's gay.
Martina: Biiiiig Rosie fan.
Dawson: But you are a witch?
Martina: Oh yeah.