Complete Script Page Shriek...

The SCRIPT for "I Know What You Screamed Last Summer"
By Joe Nelms and Sue Bailey, 2000
Spelling errors are artistic license...

INT.

SCREW'S HOUSE - KITCHEN NIGHT In black we hear an announcer a la ER

VO

Previously in teen horror films...

A touch tone phone is dialed. It rings once and is answered.

VO

Hello, and welcome to Movie-Phone! If you know the name of the movie you’d like to see, press one. To choose from a list of current, over-priced blood-splattered blockbusters, press two. For big studio bombs starring Robin Williams, press three...

Fade up on

SCREW, a Drew Barrymore look-alike circa Scream, with a cordless phone tucked under her ear. She is home alone. Her call waiting beeps. She checks caller I.D. before clicking over. It reads “The Killer -- PRIVATE NUMBER”. Curious, she takes it.

SCREW

Dad?

KILLER

(mechanically altered voice) Hello, Sydney. Screw wanders over to bowl of cake frosting on the counter and takes a taste.

SCREW

ANGLE ON

the just delivered MORNING PAPER with a picture of Screw laying dead on the ground and the headline “Popular Slut Killed” and the subhead "Football Team Mourns". ANGLE BACK on The Killer who rolls his eyes. Defeated, he sticks a cigarette through the mouth hole in his mask and strikes a match. The match gets too close to the mask and it begins to melt. He panics and tries to put the flame out by sticking his face into the birdbath. Too late. When he pulls his face out, he pops an apple out of his mouth and we see the mask is now twisted into a longer, distorted mask.

THE KILLER

AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Screen SHATTERS to black. Title sequence rolls over music...

FADE UP ON:

EXT.

BULEMIA FALLS HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING It’s a sunny, bucolic morning outside the LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL. As students meander toward their first class, we pan across a stone carved sign reading “Bulemia Falls High School - Home of the Hurlers.” In smaller letters, the latin school motto - "E Vomitus Unim".

(CONT'D) Well, Dawson, looks like you'll need someone to show you the ropes, the dark hiding places, the crime lab. Boner?

BONER

It’s pronounced Bah-Ner, sir. The “O” is soft.

AFKAP

Not according to Resusci-Annie. Just take him around. And for God’s sake, wash your hands first. Mary, you're next. A blonde girl whose bangs are sticking straight up a la Something About Mary follows AFKAP into his office.

ANGLE ON

BONER

BONER

Hi, I’m Bonner. Nice to meet you.

Boner extends his hand in greeting. Dawson is skeeved. Suddenly a girl comes crashing into the boys. It is BARBARA, our engenue and the school’s most stuck up, popular bitch. She is wearing a slightly worn sash reading “Ms. Kielbasa" and a battered rhinestone tiara. Barbara is fighting with someone off screen.

BARBARA

(YELLING TO OFF SCREEN) Oh yeah? “Witch?” Try “rhymes with...” Charmed my ass! Call me. (THEN, TO THE BOYS) Goddamn Shannon Doherty. Oh, hey, New Kid! I’m Barbara. How 'bout a Hertz Donut?

DAWSON

Sure, I guess. Expecting a tasty treat, Dawson is surprised when Barbara pounds him in the shoulder.

DAWSON

(CONT'D) Ouch!!!

BARBARA

BARBARA

Well, at least I feel safe here. (THEN) Hi Chuckie!

A MIDGET with red hair and a jumpsuit (THINK CHUCKIE FROM CHILD’S PLAY) walks by sharpening a knife.

CHUCKIE

Wanna play?

BONER

We’ll definitely be okay at school.

They pass three terrorist exchange students building an Anthrax bomb.

MARTINA

Yeah, nothing can happen to us here.

A six member SWAT team jogs by in unison. Right before they leave the frame, the first one stumbles. We hear them all trip and fall (OS).

SFX:

Guns going off upon impact.

CUT TO:

EXT.

BULEMIA FALLS HIGH - DAY - CONTINUOUS Dawson, Martina, Slab, Barbara and Boner walk to class across the front lawn. Martina unbuttons her jersey and ties it around her waist. She now wears a sexy bippy top. Dawson eyes her body. Pretty sweet.

BACKGROUND:

The backlit white marquee sign has a McDonald's style odometer looking counter labeled “Over 957 Killed.” The Killer changes the number to 958 as we watch. Underneath is a another message - “Good Luck Rifle Team!”

SLAB

Tbd.

BONER

Tbd.

DAWSON

What’s the big deal? Kids get killed every day. It’s high school.

SLAB

No, Dawson. This kid was white.

BARBARA

And, she was popular.

DAWSON

Ahhh.

A news van with an EMPTY-V (MTV) logo wheels into the parking lot and then up onto the grass in front of them.

BONER

I hope that’s Barbara Walters. What a rack.

An attractive reporter, HAGITHA UTSLAY, hops out of the van followed by a chubby camera guy. The cameraman wears a yellow jacket (or sweatshirt or t-shirt or hat) reading "Hardly Copy". Hagitha talks to the kids as the camera guy starts to set up.

HAGITHA

Hi, I’m Hagitha Utslay from Empty-V News. Kids, what do you think...

Just then Hagitha spots Dawson.

HAGITHA

(CONT'D) Is that...Dawson? Wait! (TO CAMERA GUY) Tape this! Chop, chop you fat rat bastard!!!

Dawson turns and faces her. There is obviously some history here. The camera guy starts rolling.

HAGITHA

(CONT'D) I’m Hagitha Utslay live from Bulemia Falls High with a group of “innocent” students, most importantly - Dawson Deery. Student, drum major... Dawson winces on this disclosure.

HAGITHA

(CONT’D.) ...and inspiration for my best-selling book “Dawson Is A Murderer.”

She whips out her colorful, POP UP CHILDREN’S BOOK.

DAWSON

That book sucked.

HAGITHA

Not according to Oprah. It was her pick of the month.

DAWSON

So was Chicken Soup For The Butt. But that doesn’t mean I killed anyone. Now get away from me.

HAGITHA

Come on Dawson, isn’t it a fact that your entire family was murdered under mysterious circumstances while you were at "camp"? And that’s why you left your old school?

Barbara, Slab, Boner, Martina exchange suspicious glances.

STINGER:

Suspicious music.

SFX:

A boxing match bell dings. Dawson, now barechested and wearing boxing trunks and RED BOXING GLOVES, hauls off and PUNCHES Hagitha dead in the face.

Big deal. He wasn’t even your real dad.

Beat.

DOUGHY

I stole your diary.

BARBARA

Dork.

DOUGHY

Dyke.

MARTINA

DAWSON

(MOCKING) Yeah, Boner and then maybe we’ll try some beer.

Dawson’s new friends laugh and pat him on the back, tear the "new kid" sign off, crumple it, throw it on the ground and walk off. He has cemented his place in the group.

MUSIC:

“Little Green Bag” straight out of Reservoir Dogs. Barbara, Slab, Martina, Boner, Dawson all walk back toward school together in what appears to be SLOW MOTION. Pull back to reveal that everyone else in the hall is moving at normal speed, our stars are simply walking slowly.

ANGLE BACK ON

DOUGHY

AND

HAGITHA

Little bastards. I could just kill ‘em.

Doughy makes a weak attempt at FLIRTING.

DOUGHY

But you didn’t, did you? I’m just kidding. No really, you didn’t kill them, right? (THEN) You’re one of those network reporters, huh?

BACKGROUND:

Hagitha's cameraman leans against the van eating a sub. He is grabbed by the throat and yanked into the van. The van begins to shake violently. Doughy and Hagitha are oblivious.

ANGLE ON

the van's BUMPER STICKER reading "If this van's a-rockin', don't bother knockin'!"

HAGITHA

(RELUCTANTLY) Cable. It’s like network. Why? You have any inside dirt?

DOUGHY

Yeah, I do.

He takes off one of his boots and pours out some DIRT.

HAGITHA

(TO

DOUGHY

RE: HIS BOOTS) I like your boots.

STINGER:

Suspicious music as we...

ANGLE ON

Doughy’s boots. They are identical to the ones worn by The Killer.

DOUGHY

(RE:

HAGITHA

’S BOOTS) Thanks. (BEAT) I like yours too.

STINGER:

More suspicious music as we...

ANGLE ON

Hagitha’s boots which are also identical to The Killer’s.

HAGITHA

(FLIRTING) See ya later...Doughy. (THEN POUNDS ON VAN DOOR) Come on Lard Ass!!!

Hagitha walks off.

DOUGHY

I'm gonna keep my eye on her.

Reveal Hagitha walking off trailing half a roll of toilet paper from her boot.

PA ANNOUNCEMENT (TBD)

INT.

HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY A girl wobbles by in the hallway wearing 12 INCH HIGH PLATFORM SHOES.

(CONT’D) But I wouldn’t. That’s what I’m saying. I didn’t do it. Now Slab, he’s a killer. Just look at his earlobes. Way low.

Slab tries to look at his own earlobe and ends up looking like a dog chasing his own tail. They pass by a classroom marked “ACTORS STUDIO”: A SIGN in front reads “This week only - Death Of A Salesman starring Quentin Tarantino with Todd Bridges as Biff!” as we hear:

QUENTIN-LIKE

VO Okay, dig it. You see, Biff was a nigger who never loved me...

TODD BRIGES-LIKE

VO Nigger!? Nigger this you big-headed cracker.

SFX:

Gun shots.

INT.

HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY A pudgy young man with a bad haircut (THINK PACEY FROM DAWSON’S CREEK) exits a classroom, his face covered in fresh lipstick. He is retucking his shirt and zipping his pants.

DAWSON

WINDING COASTAL ROAD - LAST SUMMER - NIGHT An expensive looking convertible speeding and swerving down the road. Inside the car, music blares and we find Martina, Barbara, Slab and Boner. Slab’s at the wheel. He is obviously drunk, drinking straight from a GENERIC TEQUILA BOTTLE via a funnel. Barbara is fresh faced in her tiara and beauty queen costume.

MARTINA

Slab, I think you’ve had enough.

SLAB

Why?

Slab! Look out!

Reveal Slab is on a collision course with a very fake looking DEER, or STOCK FOOTAGE of one. Everybody screams. The deer is frozen (READ: FAKE) with fear, as Slab crashes into him. The deer is thrown over the car. The car SCREECHES to a stop.

BEAT.

Slab rubs his bruised and bleeding head.

SLAB

I think I hit something.

CUT TO:

EXT.

HIGHWAY - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT Boner, Martina, Barbara and Slab are standing over the body of A FAKE DEER.

MARTINA

I think I’m gonna be sick.

She takes a THERMOMETER out of her ass.

MARTINA

Yup. I’ve got a fever.

BONER

Slab, you’ve got blood all over you.

SLAB

No problem. It comes right off with tequila. Old scout trick.

He empties the bottle all over himself and baths in it.

BARBARA

Slab, give me hand.

SLAB

Wasn’t that trophy enough?

BARBARA

Yes. But we've got to dump this deer.

SLAB

Alright, sweetie.

CUT TO:

EXT.

A LONG WOODEN PIER ON THE OCEAN - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT The four of them stand holding the deer, preparing to dump it into the ocean.

BARBARA

Can everybody keep a secret?

Martina, hands in pocket, spots a sign on the dock that reads “No Dumping”. Her eyes widen in fear as we...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT.

MARTINA

’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY Martina stands in her hall, putting on her jacket. Her mother calls from offscreen.

MOM (OS)

Martina? Don’t forget to give grandma her laxative.

MARTINA

I won’t.

She grabs her keys and abbsentmindedly jams grandmas fresh box of laxatives into her pocket. She exits as we stay on the door (presumably a bathroom door) and hear a very strained grandma calling out....

GRANDMA

(groaning) Mar-tin-ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

SFX:

Thud as Grandma falls off the toilet.

DISSOLVE BACK TO:

EXT.

A LONG WOODEN PIER ON THE OCEAN - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT Martina stands with the others. She pulls a battered box of laxatives out of her jacket pocket. Real terror sets in.

MARTINA

Yes. (RE: THE LAXATIVES) This never happened.

They toss the deer. On it’s splash we ...

DISSOLVE BACK TO:

INT.

MRS. TINGLE’S CLASS - DAY Martina at her desk. She is now biting her lip, frightened that someone knows her dirty little secret. She looks off into the distance as Mrs. Tingle is now being draped in a hangman’s noose by a Student. She continues teaching.

MRS. TINGLE

Who can tell me how to conjugate the verb “expire”?

A few kids raise their hands.

CUT TO:

HAGITHA

Actually, they’re C cups.

Doughy begins changing the front left tire on his security golf cart. Hagitha watches, obviously intrigued by his manly essence.

HAGITHA

So how did you get into this line of work?

DOUGHY

Well, I got too fat for the ballet so I just figured “what the hell?”

He finishes putting the tire on and lowers the cart back down. He pulls what appears to be a hankerchief from his back pocket and wipes his hands on. We see that it is actually a pair of lacey women’s underwear. He musters up his courage.

DOUGHY

(cont’d) Uh, Hagitha, do you have a boyfriend?

HAGITHA

(flirty) Not yet.

DOUGHY

Mail order, huh? I tried that too. Well, let me know if it doesn’t work out.

HAGITHA

I sure will.

CUT TO:

INT.(COULD BE EXT.) SCHOOL POOL - GYM CLASS -DAY THE CLASS - 8 beautiful kids in swimsuits (BOYS IN SPEEDOS, GIRLS IN SKIMPY ONE PIECES.) and Boner - are gathered around the pool. Their teacher,

Boner lays by the side of the pool strapped to a backboard. Tiffany and Amber kneel beside him when he comes to. Amber gives him mouth to mouth when Tiffany notices something.

TIFFANY & AMBER

Ewwwwww!

The girls back away in disgust.

MR. HASSELHOF

Boner!

BONER

It’s Bah-Ner sir.

MR. HASSELHOF

Not at the moment...

Reveal Boner sporting a MAJOR HARD-ON, straining the fabric of his Speedo. The other kids laugh and point. He struggles, only to find he can’t break free from the straps of the lifeguard board. More laughs, which to Boner sound evil and distorted. He passes out again.

BACKGROUND:

one of the kids is dragged off by The Killer, who is wearing goggles, and a bathing cap over his mask, and a full-bodied, Coney Island swimsuit - green and orange striped - like Freddy Krueger.

CUT TO:

INT.(COULD BE EXT.

) SCHOOL POOL - LATER - DAY Boner is still laying on the board, but now unstrapped and alone.

Boner comes to and checks himself, finding his hard-on has subsided, but in it’s place is a note identical to Martina’s, only his reads: “I Know What You Did Last Semester.” Boner is stricken with horror as we...

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT.

WINDING COASTAL ROAD - LAST SUMMER - NIGHT It’s the same as Martina’s flashback, except for the skewed perspective of Boner’s testosterone addled imagination. Boner, now buff (prosthetic chest) and coiffed with Miami Vice wardrobe. He sports some snappy Backstreet Boys facial hair. Martina and Barbara sit in the backseat with him. They are both fawning all over him.

BONER

If you guys don’t mind, I may have to get home early. Me and Milli, my Swedish exchange student, are about halfway through the Kama Sutra.

BARBARA

Awww, Bonner. I don’t want to share you.

MARTINA

What’s she got that we don’t have?

BONER

A twin sister.

MARTINA

Slab! Look out!

CUT TO:

EXT.

A LONG WOODEN PIER ON THE OCEAN - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT The four of them stand holding the fake deer, preparing to dump it into the ocean.

BARBARA

Can everybody keep a secret?

Boner spots a US MAIL BOX and his eyes widen in fear as we...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT.

STATE PRISON - DAY Boner stands outside a cell on deathrow. Inside the cell is a greasy, desperate inmate. He slides a letter through the bars to Boner. The recipient’s address on the front (written in childish handwriting) reads...

EXT.

A LONG WOODEN PIER ON THE OCEAN - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT Boner reaches into his jacket pocket and produces a Penthouse magazine. From inside the magazine he pulls out a beaten up letter he has been using as a bookmark. It’s the same letter. The lights on the pier flicker. He winces and real terror sets in.

BONER

Yes. (RE: THE LETTER) This never happened. They toss the deer. On it’s splash we ...

DISSOLVE BACK TO:

INT.(COULD BE EXT.

) SCHOOL POOL - MINUTES LATER - DAY Boner stares into the distance and sighs.

BONER

I’m never gonna get laid.

CUT TO:

INT.

THE HALLWAY - BETWEEN CLASSES - DAY Slab approaches his locker. Several other STUDENTS around him are rifling through theirs. We pan across.

PA ANNOUNCEMENT:

TBA

At one locker a BOUNCER surrounded by A VELVET ROPE checks ID’s as people go in and out - above this locker - a sign reads “Ye Ole Locker Pub.”

Another student opens his locker to find The Killer inside. He is grabbed and dragged into the locker.

Another locker is a GUN AND AMMO SHED.

And next to it, a STUDENT closes his locker, steps away, and then remembers something - he SETS HIS LOCKER ALARM with the remote on his keychain.

SFX:

“Boop Boop”

Finally, Slab gets to his locker. He opens it and grabs a picture book - Steroids And You. He closes the locker and spots a note tucked into vent. He opens it and we see that it is identical to the two previous notes, except that his reads “I Know What You Did Last Chanukah.” Slab looks scared.

STINGER:

Dramatic scary music

SLAB

(READING) I...k-k-k-kuh, nnnn--ooo-www, I kuh-now, whuh, whuh...

He’s having trouble reading it. (He is a jock!)

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT.

WINDING COASTAL ROAD - LAST SUMMER - NIGHT

The same as the previous flashbacks only this time Slab wears a driving cap, driving gloves, a white silk scarf and studious looking glasses. He sips a snifter of brandy, smokes a pipe, and speaks in a highly affected faux English accent.

MARTINA

Slab, I think you’ve had enough.

SLAB

Really, darling.

As he speaks, he blindfolds himself with a satin scarf.

SLAB

(CONT’D) You’re concern is admirable, but completely without merit. I’m doing splendidly.

SLAB

(CONT’D) Anyone see that article in the Times Science Section last week? Seems gene splicing is all the rage...

MARTINA

Slab! Look out!

CUT TO:

EXT.

A LONG WOODEN PIER ON THE OCEAN - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT

The four of them stand holding the fake deer, preparing to dump it into the ocean.

BARBARA

Can everybody keep a secret?

Slab spots a sign reading “No Smoking” as he pulls a lighter out of his pocket. His eyes widen in fear as we...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT.

SLAB’S BEDROOM - DAY

Slab sits on his bed trying to get his lighter to spark. His father calls from outside his locked door. Slab finally gets the lighter to spark and uses it to ignite the pot in the bong he is smoking.

FATHER (OS)

Slab? I’m looking for your Uncle Lou’s urn. We’re scattering his ashes today. Have you seen it?

We pull back to reveal his bong has been crudely made from an Urn used to hold ashes. The front reads “In Memory of Lou”.

SFX:

A bong hit.

SLAB

(cough) No.

DISSOLVE BACK TO:

EXT.

A LONG WOODEN PIER ON THE OCEAN - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT

Slab stands with the others. Real terror sets in.

SLAB

Yes. (RE: THE LIGHTER) This never happened.

They toss the deer. On it’s splash we ...

DISSOLVE BACK TO:

INT.

SCHOOL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS - DAY

Slab at his locker, still trying to read his note.

SLAB

...kah...now...Kah-now...I kah-how... I kah-now wuh...wuh...

(HUGE GASP, THEN A BIG SIGH OF RELIEF) Whew, I thought you were going to tell me I had herpes.

Oh. Do you have a yearbook?

Nurse Kevorkian swallows hard, suppressing her urge to admonish.

BACKGROUND:

GLASS JARS containing COTTON, TONGUE DEPRESSORS, an ALIEN FETUS and a very small HU

MAN

BRAIN labeled “Property of Mariah Carey”. Next to that is an empty jar labeled "Property of Debbie Matenopolous."

NURSE KERVORKIAN

Barbara, take some advice from a woman with some experience in this area. I think I should explain something we in the health profession refer to as “Hitting Skins.”

Barbara gives her a blank stare.

NURSE KERVORKIAN

(cont'd) (MAKES VARIOUS HAND GESTURES FOR SEX) Knocking boots, doing the nasty, bumping uglies...

Nothing.

NURSE KERVORKIAN

(cont'd) I’m talking about sex, dear. Sex can be a beautiful, sensuous experience between a man and a woman who love each other dearly and want to share eternity laying in each other’s gentle embrace. (BEAT) Or it can a dirty, filthy spankfest in a bus station bathroom shared by two anonymous consenting adults on a layover in Detroit, and no one ever has to know.

Barbara looks a little scared.

NURSE KERVORKIAN

(CONT’D.) I think you see my point. Why don’t we take a look at your x-rays?

BARBARA

X-rays with a pap smear?

Nurse Kervorkian moves over to a light box hanging on the wall. Barbara’s x-rays are on it.

NURSE KERVORKIAN

We’re very thorough here. I just can’t figure out what this white spot is.

Barbara pulls a note out of her bra.

NURSE KERVORKIAN

You know, a pair of tube socks work so much better. Why, when I was your age...

Barbara reads her note.

It looks like all the previous notes, except this one reads “I Know What You Did Last Period.” Horrified, Barbara glazes over, lost in her memories.

Slab! Look out!

EXT.

A LONG WOODEN PIER ON THE OCEAN - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT The four of them stand holding the fake deer, preparing to dump it into the ocean.

BARBARA

Can everybody keep a secret?

Barbara spots a sign reading “Rocket Ice 25 Cents!” on the pier. Her pocket eyes widen in fear as we...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT.

BARBARA

’S BEDROOM - DAY Barbara is in bed having some extremely hot, aerobic sex. She is groaning, moaning and in pure ectasy. Her hands are high over her head, grabbing her mattress tightly. He mother calls from off-screen.

BARBARA

’S MOTHER (OS) Barbara, honey? I’m expecting Reverend Johnson today, did he come yet? (ALT: Barbara, honey? I’m making nut-brownies, would you like some?)

BARBARA

(Huffing and puffing) Almost. (ALT: Yes! Yes! Yes)

At that moment, Barbara tears her mattress tag off as we...

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT.

A LONG WOODEN PIER ON THE OCEAN - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT Barbara stands with the others. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out the MATTRESS TAG. In bold letters it’s warning blares “Do Not Remove Under Penalty Of Law.” She shoves it back in her pocket. Real terror sets in.

BARBARA

(RE: THE TAG) This never happened.

Hi, Doughy. Chicken?

DOUGHY

A little, but it's my job.

With the bong? Yeah.

HAGITHA

Glaucoma?

DOUGHY

Spring Break. Oh, there's me.

HAGITHA

Ooh. No tan lines. (THEN) I feel like a hot dog.

DOUGHY

Sounds good. I'm buying. (ON HIS EXIT) Footlong?

Party of Five?

DAWSON

Wrong network.

MAITRE’D

Of course. Right this way.

As the maitre’d shows them to their table we pass various sections and in the...

BACKGROUND:

A section marked “RICH KID” is an elegant table for two - table cloth, crystal, china, etc. Six STUDENTS dine in formal attire. Another is the waiter.

DAWSON

I wouldn’t worry so much if I were you.

MARTINA

Why?

BACKGROUND:

A section marked “BULEMICS: Bingers to the left, Purgers to the right.”

SFX:

GAGGING AND VOMITING, including a splashing sound of BARF hitting the floor.

Maybe you’re not taking enough.

Everyone STOPS DEAD when Martina drops her note onto the table. They know exactly what it is.

Dawson and Martina take their seats at the table with the others.

BONER

You got one too?

Boner throws his note onto the table.

BARBARA

If that’s what I think it is, I got one.

She tosses her note onto the table. Dawson picks it up.

DAWSON

A prescription for gyno-lotrimin?

BARBARA

Oh, wrong paper.

She throws the correct note down. Dawson reads it.

DAWSON

What does this mean?

Slab pulls his note out.

SLAB

I think I got one too.

MARTINA

What does yours say, Slab?

SLAB

...Chah...chanu...

BARBARA

Give me that.

She rips it out of his hand and reads it.

BARBARA

That’s it. We’re all targets. (FAKE SOBS) Oh, God, I knew my beauty would be a curse. A STUDENT passes behind them. A NET is dropped over him followed moments later by The Killer, who now wears a Planet of the Apes soldier uniform replete with trademark earflapped helmet. He clubs the student, throws him over his shoulder and scampers off.

MARTINA

The bottom line is, we’re all in danger. Everybody got a note.

BONER

Not everybody.

STINGER:

Dramatic, suspicious music. They all look at Dawson as he takes a bite of his burger.

DAWSON

OUCH!

Dawson pulls something out of his burger. It is a NOTE IN A SWEEPSTAKES ENVELOPE. Dawson looks at it and tosses it onto the table.

DAWSON

Ha! There, ya happy now?

Reveal the envelope is a parody of the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes. It has a picture of the Grim Reaper with a The Killer mask giving us the “thumbs up” sign and a wink. In the same handwriting as the other notes it reads “You may already be a victim!”

BONER

(EXCITED READING) You may already be a victim!

On Dawson’s PAINED LOOK we...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT.

DAWSON'S CABIN - NIGHT

Last summer. Dawson, dressed in an adorable DEER COSTUME standing next to a HALF EATEN BLOCK OF SALT. A fire roars in the background as a short, fat man in jeans and a lumberjack’s earflap hat (THINK AL BORLAND FROM HOME IMPROVEMENT) berates him and SMACKS Dawson’s “snout” with a rolled up newspaper. MOONSHINE JUGS litter the floor. A black cat (SEE JOHN BLANCHARD) clock ticks in the background.

MAN

Bad! Bad Deer! Bad, bad, bad!

DAWSON

(rubbing his stomach) No more salt lick.

MAN

(enraged, he snaps) DEERS DON'T TALK!!!

Dawson cowers and, as the Man grabs a swig of hooch, he makes a break for it.

CUT TO:

EXT.

DAWSON'S CABIN -STOCK FOOTAGE - NIGHT

Cabin explodes.

CUT TO:

EXT.

THE WINDING COASTAL HIGHWAY - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT An exhausted, and slightly singed Dawson, still in his deer costume, STUMBLES onto the highway. Just then, Slab’s car rounds the curve and Dawson is FROZEN in it’s headlights.

SFX:

SCREECH and a THUD as the car clocks Dawson and throws him over the hood.

CUT TO:

EXT.

THE PIER - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT Barbara, Slab, Boner and Martina get ready to toss Dawson into the water. He mumbles, but they don’t hear him.

DAWSON

Noooooo. I just ate.

MARTINA, BONER, SLAB & BARBARA

(OS) Yes, this never happened.

SFX:

Splashing sound as he hits the water.

He WINKS at Barbara. She GAGS.

MARTINA

Who doesn't?

He seductively drops his ice cream cone and grinds it with his shoe.

BACKGROUND:

The Killer, dressed as a crossing guard, is choking the camera man by forcibly filling his mouth with spray cheese.

LADIES ROOM - CONTINUOUS - DAY Barbara closes the door behind her. She is breathing heavy. She takes a moment and composes herself.

You got fifty bucks?

They exit. Barbara, still frightened, exits her stall. She is WASHING HER HANDS when she gets a strange feeling she is being watched. She is. A PERISCOPE is retracted from the stall on the end just before she turns around. She sees nothing at first, but is not satisfied. This is a horror film parody, so naturally she doesn’t head for the door.

Instead, she bends over and looks underneath the stalls.

After a beat, an ominous-looking boot (obviously The Killer’s) slowly drops to the floor.

Barbara is terrified as the second foot joins it. She’s about to scream when a THIRD FOOT drops. Then a FOURTH. A FIFTH FOOT drops. Barbara is now terrified, but perplexed.

The stall door FLIES OPEN. There’s The Killer poised to kill. Barbara is about to scream, but is struck by an idea instead.

STINGER:

MENTOS-ISH commercial theme music (PARODY OF MENTOS COMMERCIAL MUSIC) begins.

BARBARA

whips out a PACK of “MENTALS” (PARODY OF MENTOS) and pops one in her mouth. In an exact MENTOS PARODY...

She smiles knowingly, and breaks the HEELS off of her shoes.

She turns and finds a previously unnoticed female washroom attendant - an OLD LADY sitting next to a table of perfume bottles, mouthwash, mints, tiny (airplane) liquor bottles, cigars, etc. Barabara yanks the old lady’s skirt off. She throws it in The Killer’s direction and bolts.

The old lady sneers at Barbara and then gives a warm smile. So proud.

Blinded by the skirt, The Killer tries to run after her, but ends up tangled and bumbling.

CUT TO:

INT.

HALLWAY - JUST OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM - DAY The Killer STUMBLES out of the ladies room, whips the skirt off and spots Barbara at the end of the hall. She gives him the patented smug MENTOS SMILE AND THUMBS UP. The Killer shrugs and shakes his head as the music ends.

THE KILLER

Shit. Oops! (WHIPS OUT VOICE BOX, THEN IN ALTERED VOICE) Shit!

CUT TO:

INT.

DARK CRAWLSPACE - MOMENTS LATER - DAY

In a long forgotten passageway behind the walls of the adjoining locker rooms, Boner is dressed in all black, and breathing heavy. We’re not saying he’s The Killer, but he does look pretty suspicious.

He wields an ancient set of blue prints, a miner’s flashlight helmet and a hand drill. He's drilling a hole in the wall and checks his watch.

Suddenly he stops. He thinks he heard a noise, even though he was supposed to be alone.

Nothing. He scans the area. We follow his flashlight.

He screams bloody murder and we reveal a skeleton dressed in fifties clothes, wearing an identical helmet and carrying an identical drill. Pinned on his book bag is a name tag “Property of Pee-Wee.”

At the sound of showers starting and the sight of steam rising from the other side of the wall, Boner regains his composure and continues drilling.

BONER

Two minutes to shower time. Or should I say “show time”.

With one last turn, he's through just as the sound of showers start.

Suddenly, he jumps, he thinks he heard a noise behind him.

BONER

(cont'd) Slab?...Dawson?...Martina?

Nothing. Scared, but consumed by lust, Boner shrugs it off and leans in to get an eyeful. We see a naked body.

BONER

(cont'd) Alright!!

INT.

MALE STUDENT SHOWER ROOM - DAY Cut to Boner’s POV. A man's naked body.

BONER

(OS) Wait a minute.

It's the Killer's naked body. He's holding his knife as he showers. He still wears his mask but with a shower cap and a soap on a rope.

BONER

(OS)(cont'd) OH MY GOD!!

The Killer turns and sees Boner's eye. He covers himself, embarassed. (THEN) He lunges toward him.

INT.

DARK CRAWLSPACE - DAY Boner recoils and screams in terror as the Killer plunges his knife through the hole, just missing him. Boner runs off.

INT.

MALE STUDENT SHOWER ROOM - DAY As the Killer struggles to free his stuck knife, we ANGLE ON a disgusted jar-headed male gym teacher. From his POV the Killer appears to be jerking off in the hole.

thundering hooves a la a horse race

HORSE RACE ANNOUNCER

...and we’re down to the wire. In the lead the Killer and here comes Martina... The crowd is on it’s feet.

Martina and the Killer cross the finish line in a photo finish, with the Killer lunging forward at the last second to break the tape.

ANGLE ON

the track coach at the finish line with his stop watch. He clicks it off and is impressed with the Killer’s time. The crowd rushes the track and then hoists the Killer on their shoulders, and pours Killeraide all over him. Martina regains her composure and takes the opportunity to escape. She bolts and the Killer watches, stuck on their shoulders unable to get down.

CUT TO:

Doughy works is hand in a shadow puppet-like way and we cut to their “shadow” on the van. Only instead of simple shadow puppets...

STINGER:

“Alfred Hitchcock Presents” Theme Into the white frame of light, steps a profile of the Killer a la Hitchcock.

HAGITHA

(cont’d) (RE: PROFILE) Nose job, huh?

ANGLE BACK on Doughy, still working his hands intensely, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth.

DOUGHY

No, this is my real nose. But I had some fat sucked out of my thighs.

Doughy lifts his pant leg up to show her and we reveal that his leg looks like a Rockette’s - replete with pantyhose, garterbelt and tap shoes (high heeled).

HAGITHA

Not bad.

CUT TO:

INT.

SCHOOL GARAGE - DRIVER’S ED/AUTO SHOP CLASS - DAY

We pan across a few vehicles waiting to be repaired and see - a car with a N.A.M.B.L.A. bumper sticker and a few more - "Ass, Gas or Grass, No Free Rides", "Pro-Life", "Pro-Choice", "Pro Golfer".

Why it’s GREASED FRIGHTENING!!!

He jumps off the car and dives headfirst into the Greased Lighting dance routine as the music swells.

Ten seconds in, he realizes he’s alone in his blind enthusiasm. Both he and the music come to a grinding halt.

His buddies are non-plussed.

STUDENT #1

What a fag.

They snicker and leave. On their exit we hear...

Nooooooooooooooooooooooo...

WE CUT dramatically back and forth between Christine’s POV and Slab’s womanly screaming, building the tension as the speedometer climbs, the gas peddle is floored and the wheels spin faster and faster. Although the garage is only 50 feet long, it appears much longer and larger to accommodate the car’s incredible speed.

SLAB

(TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND STARTS AGAIN) ...Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Finally, we hear a police siren and the roar of a motorcycle For the first time, we see Christine’s DRIVER as he is pulled over by a mirrored sunglass wearing cop. Naturally, it’s The Killer, and he stares in shock and rage at a SPEED LIMIT sign posted in the garage: SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY (two stick figures in hockey helmets bang into each other ) - He is incredulous at his luck.

He brings the car to a halt inches from a terrified and still screaming Slab.

COP

License and active warrants.

THE KILLER

Mother-Fu......

SLAB

Nooooooooooooooo....Whew!

The Killer hands the cop his picture license (a smiling, blurred shot) and Slab spots him. His eyes widen in fear. He wets his pants, and our "tough guy" bolts. The Killer makes a grab for him, but gets stopped by his own seatbelt.

THE KILLER

Son-of-.......!!!!!!!

On his final word, he hits a horn and ...

CUT TO:

INT.

SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY

Outside the classroom is a standing “Now Playing” billboard with a promo movie poster: “Motley Screw - The Tommy and Pam Story”.

Underneath, a second movie is listed - “Mr.Doubtfire” starring Marv Albert.

CHRISTOPHER

(cont’d) Couldn’t wait till prom, Ms. Grossberg?

The room is dank and creepy. It looks just like an old style movie house projection room. He switches the projector on, wipes the gas and grease off his hands and watches through the viewing hole as the film begins rolling. We never see the movie he's watching.

The film begins with an on screen parental warning which is a dead on parody of the ones seen on HBO.

FILM VO

The following motion picture has been rated “X”. It contains adult situations, adult language and nudity. (BEAT) Lots of nudity. Extensive pausing or rewinding will damage film. Parental absence is suggested. An upbeat, but sleazy porno soundtrack plays underneath.

PAM

(OS) Tommy, I love you baby (SHE GAGS).

CHRISTOPHER

Relieved, Dawson returns to the movie. The student gathers his music and SPLITS.

SCARY MUSIC

begins again. Dawson rolls his eyes, cracks his knuckles and turns to give the freshman a few “Shut up Noogies” only to find The Killer sitting at the Casio. There is now a tip jar resting on top.

The shadows of the room fall onto The Killer’s mask in such a way as to create the appearance of the Phantom Of The Opera. Not so coincidentally, The Killer bangs out the first couple of notes of that musical. On the final notes, he slams his fingers onto the keyboard and jumps up knife at the ready. The film plays on.

Dawson searches the room frantically.

He grabs a ROCK.

Thwarted, the Killer drops his knife and whips out a blank sheet of PAPER.

Undaunted, Dawson produces a pair of SCISSORS.

DAWSON

(cont’d) Scissor’s cut paper. You lose.

The Killer eyes Dawson’s rock and then immediately smashes an emergency box behind him. The box is marked “In Case Of Scissors Break” From inside, he pulls out a bottle.

He smashes that against the wall and brandishes the jagged edge at a now fearful Dawson.

Dawson finds a similar box next to him. He smashes it and removes the gun he finds inside.

He holds it menacingly and then after a beat smashes it against the wall. It breaks just like the bottle did.

He brandishes it’s jagged edge at the Killer.

Unfazed, the Killer rushes him, tackling him in one move. They wrestle and from our POV Dawson is getting the crap beaten out of him. It’s hard to tell, the Killer’s robe is covering everything.

Suddenly Dawson crawls out from between the Killer’s legs, apparantly unnoticed since the Killer keeps fighting - arms flailing, fists flying, bottle stabbing.

Dawson dusts himself off, watches the Killer for a second and then slips out but not before grabbing a tip from the tip jar or before putting a tip in the jar.

Dawson bolts out the door, but not before grabbing a few bills from the tip jar.

CUT TO:

INT.

PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE - LATER - DAY

The camera dollies slowly and deliberately through the front door of her office. On his door is a SYMBOL representing her name: tbd

We dolly through his office and find that it is bizarrely decorated TBD depending on casting. On the floor there is a trail of clothes, obviously taken off in a hurry, including a

THE KILLER

MASK and the TELL-TALE BOOTS that are identical to those of our killer. Coincidence?

As we dolly, we overhear the satisfied, relaxed post-coital conversation The Administrator Formerly Known As Principal is sharing with an unknown party.

AFKAP

(SEXY VO) ...And that’s why I don’t wear underwear. Mmmm, that was amazing, wasn’t it, baby?(PURRS/GROWLS LIKE A SEXY KITTEN) I love playing “Naughty Killer and Prison Psychiatrist” with you...but next time, you can’t pull so tight. That’s my good tie.

SFX:

Splashing water as he reaches for something.

The camera finds an oval athletic whirlpool next to AFKAP’s desk where he lays in bubbling ecstasy with a still unrecognizable figure in his arms. He’s naked, except for the high-collared Prince neckwear - a tie. He lights up a cigarette.

AFKAP

Let’s see what the kids are up to.

He uses a remote to turn on the monitor in his office.

On the first channel we see cheap chyron lettering reading "East Teacher’s Lounge" and shows three teachers (THE TEACHERS FROM THE BATHROOM AND THE COUNSELOR) and a lava lamp sitting around a huge hooka pipe. The next channel one is labeled "West Teacher's Lounge" and shows cheap chyron lettering reading and Satanic ritual in progress. Teachers in hoods stand before a pentagram with a virgin student in the middle.

INT.

PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY

AFKAP

hits the remote and turns the volume up on the next channel labeled "Cell Block 6" where we see...

INT.

The camera circles around and reveals he is IN THE TUB with a very naked RESUSCI-ANNIE and a blender full of margaritas. Annie’s hair is braided, a la Coolio.

AFKAP

(cont'd) (THEN) Good thing Principal Winkler left that futon behind. Come on, I want to show you a trick.

He stands and starts to get out of the whirlpool, when he notices for the first time they are not alone. The Killer stands behind them.

AFKAP

(GASP)Oh, uh, hello. I didn’t hear you come in. I was just, uh, boning up on my CPR, and I have a sore hip, so we...

The Killer looks over a collection on the wall marked “Disciplinary Tools” including: A PADDLE, A YARDSTICK, A BELT ("DAD'S BELT"), A SWITCH, A CAVE MAN CLUB, HOT WHEELS TRACK, A CATTLE PROD, KADIMA PADDLES and a copy of The Great Santini.

He fingers through the collection and settles on the SOCKER BOPPERS©.

As he comes toward him, AFKAP strikes a tough guy KARATE POSE. But it looks as if the Killer is going after Annie instead. So in a slo-motion act of chivalry, AFKAP dives in front of his beloved.

In the process, his tie gets caught in the whirlpool mechanism. He gets pulled in, tighter and tighter until he is strangled to death. He lays in a heap in Annie’s arms. A tear rolls down her cheek. They both have the same SHOCKED AND PAINED EXPRESSION on their face.

The Killer stares in disbelief at his luck. He slams the Socker Boppers together in frustration. One of them pops.

THE KILLER

Oof! (THEN, AS HE EXITS, UNDER HIS BREATH) Wannabe.

CUT TO:

EXT.

BULEMIA FALLS HIGH - PARKING LOT - AFTER SCHOOL - DAY

Two KIDS BODIES are being carried out of the school as the final bell sounds by four EMTS.

BACKGROUND:

The platform shoe girl walks by. This time her shoes are two feet tall. She can barely walk.

We pan and find Slab and Boner standing around BONER’S VW VAN. Boner’s license plate “Big Bone”.

SLAB

Cherry van, man.

BONER

Thanks, I bought it from Jewel. It still smells like peanut butter.

Slab and Boner are rushed by Martina and Barbara.

BARBARA

Oh, my God! I saw him!

BONER

We all did. Dawson’s being interviewed by the cops right now.

ANGLE ON

Dawson standing with Doughy and A POLICE SKETCH ARTIST. The kids wander over.

DAWSON

...But working with William Kevinson was a great experience. He’s brilliant.

DOUGHY

Got it?

The sketch artist nods, adds a quick finishing touch and then unveils his work.

Reveal the sketch is a beautiful, charcoal rendering of Dawson laying naked on a couch (THINK KATE WINSLET IN TITANIC) wearing a huge heart shaped pendant (THINK PENDANT FROM TITANIC, DUH).

the kids fighting to get in the shot like stupid Americans.

BACK TO HAGITHA AND DOUGHY

HAGITHA

Are you taking any extra precautions, Officer Primesusspekt?

DOUGHY

(blushes) I'm wearing two pairs of underwear. Oh, and we’re gonna send a unit up to whatever secluded death trap these guys have selected. Where’d you say you were going?

CUT TO:

EXT.

SLAB’S HOUSE - TWENTY MINUTES LATER - DAY

MARTINA

BONER

VO ...misguided, hormone-fueled...

SLAB

VO ...know-it-all...

BARBARA

VO ...teenager logic.

CUT TO BLACK:

BARBARA

(OS) Who ate all my Pop Tarts?!?

(ALT.s: Who ate all my cookie dough? Who used all my Nair? Who used all my Icy Hot? Who drank all my Sunny D)

FADE UP ON:

INT.

SLAB’S HOUSE - NIGHT

There is a small party (20 kids - 15 extras + our kids) in full swing. Evidently, word got out that Slab’s parents were dead for the weekend.

As the camera winds it’s way through the living room we see THE PLATFORM SHOE GIRL, now wearing even higher platforms.

DAWSON

(OS) HEY, WATCH THAT CEILING FAN.

Platform shoe girl doesn't hear the warning in time.

SFX:

The sickening thwapping of a head in a fan.

We see THREE PET FEEDING BOWLS on the floor. On each bowl is the pet’s name - ”CHEAP SHOT”, “LAME GAG”, and “DEAD HORSE”.

SLAB

(OS) Has anyone seen my cats?

We continue on to the other side of the living room.

Boner is romancing TIFFANY in one corner. She is obviously inebriated.

BONER

...So I grabbed the bastard by his cheap costume and threw him against the wall and said to him...

The girl BLOWS CHOW onto Boner’s feet and promptly passes out, dropping out of frame onto the floor. There is a beat as Boner realizes his luck.

BONER

(TO UNCONSCIOUS GIRL) So, you want to go upstairs?

CUT TO:

EXT.

SLAB’S DRIVEWAY - SAME - NIGHT

Doughy leans on his MALL SECURITY GOLF CART, under the starry night cleaning his glasses.

BACKGROUND:

Slab’s house is rocking. Cars are parked on the lawn, music blares,

SFX:

glass is broken.

BACKGROUND:

HAGITHA

Little creeps. Nevermind saving for college. These days you need to start saving for bail.

DOUGHY

Or braces. I never had braces. See? (HE PULLS HIS LIPS BACK)

CUT TO:

EXT.

SLAB’S FRONT PORCH - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT

A DARK FIGURE steps from the bushes onto the porch and reaches for the doorbell. He is wearing a yellow, rubber fisherman’s outfit and a FOREBODING HOOK sticks out his sleeve. He rings the bell.

CUT TO:

INT.

SLAB’S FOYER - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

Slab answers the door as the scary music builds and we intercut between the DOOR OPENING and the fisherman RAISING HIS HOOK ominously.

SNAP ZOOM to Slab’s horrified face when he sees the hook.

FISHER

MAN

Collecting for the Unlucky Fishermen’s Association?

With his good hand, he extends a smalls plastic bucket filled with coins and dollar bills, and shakes it.

SLAB

Sorry, Man. Gave at the pier.

Slab closes the door, as the Unlucky Fisherman exits.

INT.

SLAB’S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT

Barbara, Slab, Dawson, Martina and GENERIC STUDENTS lay around drinking.

In the background, Boner DRAGS his “date” up the stairs as Martina hops up to put another movie in.

MARTINA

Okay, what do you guys want to watch?

SLAB

How about Teletubbies?

BARBARA

Nah, we don’t have any pot.

MARTINA

Let’s see, Naked Gun, Hot Shots? Ooh, Airplane?

DAWSON

Are we gonna be tested on this?

CUT TO:

EXT.

SLAB’S DRIVEWAY - SAME TIME - NIGHT

Doughy, Hagitha and her camerman are sitting outside the van roasting marshmallows on an small electric heater. A doofy burnout pizza guy shows up.

CAMERA

He flips her and in the process they roll down a hill and land in a heap, lips locked.

HAGITHA

(cont'd) Best two-out-of-three?

They run back up the hill.

CUT BACK TO:

INT.

SLAB’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Martina is holding court.

MARTINA

Alright listen. There are certain rules you have to follow when you’re in a parody situation if you want to survive. Number one: Exaggerate everything.

DISSOLVE TO Martina moments later.

INT.

SLAB'S HOUSE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

MARTINA

(CONT’D.) And along with wacky sound effects...

CUT TO:

INT.

SLAB'S HOUSE BEDROOM - NIGHT Upstairs Boner is getting serious. He unzips his fly.

SFX:

(EXAGGERATED AND BUILDING) Zipper UNZIPPING, THWAPPING sound of a hard-on being released followed by BOI-OI-OI-OI-OI-ING, and finally TRUMPETS BLARING the tune used to start the Kentucky Derby.

MARTINA

(CONT’D.) (OS) ...and unlimited absurdity...

ANGLE ON

the bed. Boner gets in next his “date.” He is about to make his move when the COVERS ARE WHIPPED down to reveal The Killer is also in bed with them. He is wielding a scary looking CHAINSAW going full throttle. Boner screams, clutches his heart and falls off the bed - a heart attack.

ANGLE ON

the EKG next to him. It is flat-lining. He's really dead. Pissed, the Killer kicks the bed.

MARTINA

(CONT’D.) (OS) ...Remember,...nothing is sacred.

The vibration knocks a giant gothic CATHOLIC CROSS off the wall, hits Boner’s date and KILLS HER instantly. Blood tickles down her forehead.

Pissed, The Killer exits. CUT BACK:

INT.

SLAB'S HOUSE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Everyone is getting into it.

DAWSON

You’re forgetting “Point out the obvious.”

REVEAL he’s holding a boldly lettered sign that reads “DEAD

MAN

”, with a FINGER POINTING toward Slab.

BARBARA

Look you little shit! Oh. Ha Ha Boner. Boner? (ALT. Look you little jerk! Oh. Ha Ha Boner. Boner? Or Look you little weiner! Oh. Ha Ha Boner. Boner? Or, Look you little weasle! Oh. Ha Ha Boner. Boner?)

REVEAL it’s The Killer and he’s wielding a POWER DRILL.

Barbara screams. She hoists a bottle of beer to throw it at The Killer and then reconsiders.

She reaches into the fridge and grabs a ZEMA (PARODY OF ZIMA) instead. She throws that at him.

BARBARA

Stay back, asshole! (ALT. Stay back! Or, Stay back, creep!)

She starts EMPTYING THE FREEZER and throwing the contents at The Killer - FROZEN CHICKEN, ICE CREAM, AN ENTIRE COOKED TURKEY DINNER, A VIAL OF HUMAN SPERM, HUMAN BODY PARTS (HEAD IN ZIPLOCK BACK, ARM, FOOT, LEG).

He backs her into the corner. He thrusts the drill at her, she ducks under it and makes a break for the quarter open garage door.

Instead of going under the door, she decides to climb through the tiny cat door at the bottom. She gets as far as her breasts. They are too large to make it through the little hole. She is stuck and struggling.

The Killer heads for her and then stops. He’s got a better idea. After a moment of dramatic suspense when he looks at the automatic garage door opener on the ceiling, He hits what he thinks is the door open button.

SFX:

Doorbell.

The Killer hits the next button.

Suddenly the lights dim, a disco ball drops and "Boogie Nights" begins blaring.

Frustrated the Killer hits the button again. The lights go back on, the ball goes away and the music stops.

The Killer hits a third button and the door begins going up. Barbara screams. His plan is coming together.

Suddenly the door stops and starts back down. The Killer grabs the garage door remote and sends it back up again.

It stops again and heads down.

THE KILLER

Arrghh!!!

CUT TO:

EXT.

SLAB’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT Angle on the house next door where Slab’s NEIGHBOR is pulling into his driveway. He can’t understand what is wrong with his garage door - it keeps going up and down. He continues hitting the button, unknowingly creating a game of dueling garage doors with The Killer.

CUT BACK TO:

INT.

SLAB'S HOUSE - THE GARAGE - MEANWHILE - NIGHT

Barbara is getting nauseous from all the bouncing up and down when the door mechanism pops, fizzes and dies leaving the door stuck half way up.

The Killer tosses the remote in a furious rage, and turns to the garden tools behind him. There’s a Weed Whacker©, a Bush Whacker©, and a long leaf blower labeled Tally Whacker©. He grabs the WEED WHACKER, turns it on and heads toward her.

Barbara hears him coming, and in a split second attempt at saving her life she considers her stuck bosoms, reaches inside her bra and PULLS OUT two large GEL PACKS - falsies.

She drops them on the ground and with her smaller cup size slides right through the cat door.

The Killer bends over and inspects the gel packs. One has a GOLDFISH swimming in it. The other looks like a JELLO MOLD - green with fruit suspended inside. He DROPS them and runs after her, Weed Whacker blazing.

EXT.

SLAB’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

As she runs across the front yard she falls in front of a row of hedges. The Killer catches up to her and is running parrellel to her on the other side. He makes a series of lunges, swings and jabs as they run, all of which she somehow dodges. Every time he misses her, he hits the bush between them. Leaves and branches fly. Finally, as Barbara makes a break for it...

REVEAL The Killer has unintentionally trimmed the hedges into a series beautiful TOPIARIES in the shape of a DANCING ANIMALS.

On the last lunge, the Killer accidentally knocks down a buzzing beehive. Angry bees escape.

Barbara trips again. The Killer approaches brandishing the Weed Whacker.

Barbara screams, knowing the end is near. Suddenly something else catches her attention.

SFX:

Buzzing of a bee.

She begins waving her hands around in the air, completely IGNORING The Killer. He is puzzled for a moment, then regroups himself. But Barbara screams before he even touches her. She’s been STUNG.

She CLUTCHES her own throat, which has already swollen shut. She gags, gasps and drops. Her eyes roll back in her head and for the first time we notice the “MED-ALERT” BRACELET on her wrist. The Killer reads it: “If stung by bee, please call funeral home.”

THE KILLER

Fuckin’ nature.(ALT:

Goddamn nature/Damn nature/Darn Nature)

The Killer drops her hand and walks away.

CUT TO:

INT.

SLAB'S HOUSE LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME - NIGHT

The kids have settled into Airplane.

MARTINA

Here it comes.

Everyone shouts the line in unison drowning out Leslie Nielson.

GROUP

“And don’t call me Shirley!”

The kids ERUPT. An EXTRA enters holding the phone.

KID

Hey, guys. They just found the Administrator Formerly Known as Principal bound and gagged, dead.

GROUP

(COLLECTIVE GASP)

KID

Let’s get down there before the coroner does and play Weekend At Bernie’s with him.

The kids ALL YELL in agreement and start PILING OUT leaving Slab, Dawson and Martina.

SFX:

The phone rings

SLAB

I’ll get it. It could me my broker.

Slab grabs the cordless and walks into the dining room.

Martina turns off the movie and moves toward Dawson. One HAND is mysteriously BEHIND HER BACK. Sex kitten or murderer? It’s so hard for Dawson to tell.

MARTINA

So, here we are all alone.

DAWSON

Rrrrriiiight?

MARTINA

And I’ve got something for you.

DAWSON

(A LITTLE NERVOUS) Oh, yeah?

She WHIPS her arm out. Dawson FLINCHES and she produces a sexy, feathery negligee.

MARTINA

I want you Dawson.

DAWSON

You want me to wear that?

MARTINA

From OS we hear a CRASH.

Dawson GRABS Martina’s hand and they run toward the noise to investigate.

INT.

SLAB'S HOUSE LAUNDRY ROOM - NIGHT

They turn the light on and are startled by a cat sitting on a shelf.

MARTINA

ALT. LINES:

And soup is good food?

Don’t eat the brown acid?

Beer before liquor never sicker?

Lather, rinse, repeat?

The People’s Court is fixed?

Hemp really can saves lives?

The Old Navy Lady is a man?

Khakis really aren’t that cool?

Burt Reynolds wears a rug?

Everyone’s free to wear sunblock?

OJ was framed?

Jewish girls don’t swallow?

Buy IBM before it gets to 354?

If you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you?

CUT TO:

INT.

SLAB’S BATHROOM - SECONDS LATER - NIGHT

Dawson and Martina BURST through the bathroom door. On the bathroom mirror in lipstick writing is the word “REDRUM.” (MURDER backwards a la The Shining) Just below that, also written in lipstick are the words “Clean Me” a la dusty vans you see in parking lots.

MARTINA

Oh my god! Slab!

REVEAL Slab sitting on toilet mid-injection - in HIS ASS CHEEK.. On the counter is an array of steroid paraphenalia - Gorrilla Sperm (a Coke bottle), Arnold DNA (a Quick container), “Tiny Testes©” (a cereal box), Billy Gene’s (like a Wheatie’s box - a tennis player on it).

SLAB

I think I used too much.

His muscles bulge, his face, back and legs covered in zits and hair. And, as his eye brows connect, his forehead grows to cro-magnum proportions.

Slab explodes. Literally.

MARTINA

What a pain in the ass.

DAWSON

I know. Who do you think is gonna have to clean it up.

SFX:

Scary music

Suddenly a cat jumps out scaring them, yet again.

DAWSON/MARTINA

Aaaaahhhh!!! Christ!

Dawson goes to swing at the cat who’s collar reads “Dead Horse.”

MARTINA

Dawson, don’t hit him. There’s no point beating Dead Horse.

SFX:

A rustling.

Dawson and Martina hear it. Someone’s in the shower.

STINGER:

Scary music.

BEEF-A-RONI GUY

Mmmmm, beefy!

Martina and Dawson are halfway through a sigh of relief, when suddenly The Killer JUMPS into frame.

THE KILLER

Ha!

They step aside revealing Slab.

DAWSON

You’re too late.

THE KILLER

Arrgghh!!!

The Killer dips a finger in the bloody mess and tastes it.

THE KILLER

(cont’d) (a la Beef-a-Roni Guy) Mmm, Beefy.

Dawson and Martina exchange looks and bolt.

MUSIC BEGINS - A zippy song by a Rhino artist. The next three minutes look like a VH-1 VIDEO a la Pop Up Video.

INT.

SLAB'S HOUSE HALLWAY - NIGHT

The writers used the phrase “The Killer lunges...” 86 times in this script.

Dawson and Martina run out of the living room and up the stairs.

The most popular form of exercise is the Stairmaster.

INT.

SLAB'S HOUSE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

Dawson and Martina run down the hallway which is now inexplicably foggy.

A pop up graphic appears

POP UP

The set designer thought smoke would look scarier.

Martina is breathing heavily and stops to catch her breath.

A pop up graphic appears

POP UP

Unfortunately, the actress playing “Martina” had an allergic reaction and almost died.

Dawson and Martina run to the bedroom and lock themselves in.

INT.

SLAB'S HOUSE BEDROOM NIGHT

A pop up graphic appears

POP UP

Most marriages end in divorce because of trouble in the bedroom.

Dawson and Martina turn to find Boner and his dead “date”.

They scream.

A pop up graphic appears pointing at the blood on the sheets and bodies.

POP UP

Not real.

A pop up graphic appears pointing at the “date’s” breasts.

POP UP

Not real, either.

INT.

SLAB'S HOUSE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

Cut to The Killer still locked out. He checks the welcome mat outside the bedroom door and finds a key.

A pop up graphic appears

Whoops.

EXT.

SLAB'S HOUSE FRONT YARD - NIGHT

Martina begins to climb down the trellis as The Killer climbs out the window and tears his costume.

A pop up graphic appears pointing to The Killer’s costume.

POP UP

Wardrobe went through thirteen costumes during this shoot.

EXT.

SLAB'S HOUSE ROOF - NIGHT

ANGLE ON

The Killer as he heads for the edge of the roof. Martina and Dawson are gone.

A pop up graphic appears

POP UP

This actor has a bladder control problem.

The Killer turns to camera and shakes his fist at the camera.

He stabs the bubble. It pops.

A pop up graphic appears

POP UP

Ouch.

EXT.

SLAB'S HOUSE FRONT LAWN - NIGHT

Dawson and Martina run through the front yard past a swollen Barbara. They react in horror.

A pop up graphic appears

POP UP

Bee stings account for over 3,000 deaths a year.

A pop up graphic appears

POP UP

Lawn darts account for 15.

Dawson and Martina continue running toward the front door. On their way, they pass the band (Remember, this is a music video). The band plays on as if nothing were wrong. Dawson and Martina pause for a beat and dance a little before moving on.

Most accidents occur in the home.

The song winds down as the camera pulls away from The Killer banging on the door. Video credits appear onscreen with the “Chop Up Video” logo and stinger:

The Wallflowers

“The Chase Montage Song”

I know What You Screamed Last Friday the 13th Soundtrack

Rhino Records

A pop up graphic appears

POP UP

Where are the cops?

CUT TO:

EXT.

The Killer holds his hand out in front of him and stops Dawson cold. Dawson continues swinging his arms ineffectively.

The Killer raises his knife to kill Dawson when...

BAM! Martina’s fist enters frame from the side and lands a haymaker on the Killer’s jaw. He falls out of frame.

The Killer stands back up and turns toward Martina, knife at the ready. She kicks him directly in the nuts.

SFX:

A hollow, empty sound like an empty oil drum

After a stunned beat, the obviously unaffected Killer gives his groin a tap with his fist letting us know he’s sporting protective wear.

Thinking quickly after her miscalculation, Martina punches him in the face, knocking him straight back to the floor.

A beat later, the Killer pops back up into frame much like an inflatable doll (SEE SUE, JOE OR JOHN) because he is.

Martina throws another punch, this time the Killer pops back up with a black eye.

Martina lands a series of blows (like a boxer in training) ending with a major punch that causes the Killer blow up doll to deflate.

Martina tosses a copy of her workout video (”Killer Abs!” with a picture of her and the Killer playfighting on the front) onto the deflated Killer.

DAWSON

(cont’d) You sure you’re not a lesbian?

MARTINA

Once, at camp.

Beat.

(GASP)

CUT TO:

EXT.

SLAB’S DRIVEWAY - MEANWHILE - NIGHT Doughy, Hagitha, the Cameraman and the Pizza guy, sit around a green felt card table playing poker. From their naked torsos, it looks like STRIP POKER. Hagitha is dealing.

HAGITHA

Okay, you know drill - Jacks are good, queens are better. Ante up.

Everyone looks at the Pizza Guy.

PIZZA GUY

But it's company property...

The table’s not buying it. He tosses a BLUE AND RED SEQUINED THONG on the table.

INT.

SLAB’S FOYER - SIMULTANEOUS - NIGHT

Martina and Dawson pull another mask off.

MARTINA/DAWSON

(GASP)

EXT.

SLAB’S DRIVEWAY - MEANWHILE - NIGHT

DOUGHY

Hold it! Shhh. Did you hear that?

HAGITHA

Oh, excuse me.

DOUGHY

No. That sounds like trouble inside. Let’s roll.

They grab their stuff and make a break for the house. The Pizza guy doubles back and grabs his thong off the table.

All four pile in the security cart and put the red light on top. Nothing happens. They are too heavy.

DOUGHY

(cont’d) (TO PIZZA GUY AND CAMERAMAN) Uh, meet you over there.

Pizza Guy and Cameraman get out. Hagitha and Doughy drive off.

CUT TO:

INT.

SLAB’S HOUSE FOYER - NIGHT

Dawson and Martina stand over The Killer and a PILE OF MASKS that litter the floor - RAGGEDY ANDY, BARBIE, CURLY FROM THE THREE STOOGES, SADAAM HUSSEIN, HOWARD STERN - WHATEVER WE CAN GET AWAY WITH.

Dawson and Martina are getting a little bored pulling masks off The Killer. They give us the obligatory gasp and shocked look, only now they’re mixed with boredom and yawns. Martina checks her watch.

They wretch at the current mask: JANET RENO.

DAWSON

Okay, I think this is the last one.

He pulls off the mask, revealing the true identity of The Killer.

DAWSON/MARTINA

THE KILLER

I should have killed you first.

He STRUGGLES. They pin him tighter as Martina RUMMAGES through his pockets.

MARTINA

And I suppose this is what you used to disguise your voice.

Reacting to her wandering hands.

THE KILLER

(“THE KILLER” VOICE) Helloooooooo, Sydney!

MARTINA

No, I mean this!

She reaches into one of The Killer’s pockets and pulls out an ancient, heavy iron ELECTRIC FAN. It is running. Dawson holds it up to his face and TALKS THROUGH IT.

DAWSON

(EXACTLY LIKE THE KILLER’S PHONE VOICE) Hello, Martina. What’s your favorite movie? (THEN) I’m your father Luke.

Suddenly Doughy bursts through the front door (He doesn’t break it down.) followed by Hagitha, the cameraman and the pizzaman.

DOUGHY

Freeze!

The Killer stands and puts his hands behind his head.

HARDING

Doughy eyes the rest of the room with suspicion. Then he breaks into a forgiving.

DOUGHY

Allright, come here you knucklehead.

The cousins move to embrace.

BOOM! A GUNSHOT rings out and the Killer is FELLED by a bullet from across the room.

CAMERA MAN

Nice shot!

Reveal Hagitha is holding a huge chrome plated handgun. She is using it as a mirror to apply lipstick. She is oblivious to the fact that she just shot the Killer.

HAGITHA

Huh?

She accidentally fires again this time killing the cameraman.

HAGITHA

(cont’d) Oops. You all saw that. That was an accident. (THEN, RE: LIPSTICK) I gotta get a new shade.

PIZZA GUY

Here, try mine.

He holds out a bright red lipstick.

HAGITHA

Ooh, perfect. See ya Doughy. I’ve got my scoop.

She exits with the Pizza Guy.

DOUGHY

What about dinner at the Pretzel Shack? Hickory Farms? (SIGH) Pizza guys get all the chicks.

CU of Doughy. A tear rolls down his cheek.

ANGLE back on everyone.

MARTINA

It’s okay Doughy, we’ve got everything under control.

DAWSON

Except for all those dead people.

DOUGHY

(Calling outside) Alright, guys. Bag ‘em and tag ‘em. Let’s wrap this up. (THEN TO DAWSON and MARTINA) We’ll take it from here, kids.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT.

SLAB’S HOUSE - MINUTES LATER - NIGHT Dawson, Martina and Doughy step out onto the porch as several uniformed police officers doing official looking investigating go inside.

DAWSON

Wow, Doughy. A twin cousin.

MARTINA

Yeah, the resemblance was remarkable.

DOUGHY

Yep. We both look like Tom Cruise. Ooh, donuts...

Doughy exits to Red Cross table.

On the front lawn, there is chaos as a few more cops, including two on bikes, survey the scene and do what cops do, while a variety of vehicles to be discussed with transportation dept. arrive throughout the scene. ( I.E.: cop cruisers and an ambulance with lights flashing, ICE CREAM TRUCK, a UPS TRUCK, a CRAFT SERVICE TRUCK, a ROTO ROOTER TRUCK, an OLD SCHOOL MILK TRUCK, a MASH AMBULANCE, a FIRE TRUCK, a DRAG RACER, THE BEVERLY HILLBILLY'S JALOPY, a CEMENT MIXER, a TRUCK FULL OF ILLEGAL ALIENS, an EXTERMINATOR TRUCK, THE PRIZE PATROL VAN, a BOOKMOBILE, THE OSCAR MEYER WEINERMOBILE, A BUDWEISER BEER TRUCK, A ROSE BOWL PARADE FLOAT, a NEW YORK CITY CAB, THE DUKE'S OF HAZARD GENERAL LEE, AND STARSKY AND HUTCH'S CAR. A meter maid is writing tickets for all of them throughout the scene.

A coroner wheels the Killer’s body (we can tell from his boots and black robe sticking out from under a blanket) out, followed by Boner, who is WHEELED BY on a gurney by an EMT. Somehow he has SURVIVED what we thought was a mortal blow. Dawson and Martina rush to him.

Finally, we’re safe.

DAWSON

Hey, want to the shortcut through the dark woods?

Dawsons cell phone rings. He answers it.

DAWSON

(cont’d) Yo!

KILLER

VO Hello Sydney... (STATIC)

DAWSON

What? Sorry man I’m losing you.

He hangs up the phone.

MARTINA

Who was that?

DAWSON

I don’t know, but if it was important, they’ll call back.

He tucks his phone in his back pocket as they pass the Killer in a phone booth. He’s banging the reciever against the phone in frustration. He sees Dawson and Martina, readjusts his mask, raises his knife and makes a break for them.

SOME PREVIOUS SCENE

Hagitha from a previous scene. The FRAME FREEZES and an on-screen graphic appears: “After a brief, but torrid, affair with Gary Coleman in cyberspace, Hagitha Utslay went on to write a follow-up book about the Bulemia Falls High murders called I Still Say Dawson Did It. It did not make Oprah’s book club.”

CUT TO:

INT.

SOME PREVIOUS SCENE

A photo of Christopher Lowelle in a tuxedo holding Resusci-Annie, who’s wearing a wreath of flowers and a wedding dress. Resusci-Andy is the best man. The graphic reads: “Christopher Lowelle married Resusci-Annie in a lovely poolside ceremony at Sigfried and Roy’s. They are expecting their first child in May.”

CUT TO:

INT.

SLAB'S HOUSE - DAY

Doughy and Gary Coleman. The FRAME FREEZES and a graphic appears: “Doughy and Gary quit the force and moved to LA to host the short-lived Fox variety hour 'He's Gary, I'm Doughy'".

CUT TO:

INT. -BILLIARD ROOM

A pair of red shoes attached to a woman’s legs dangle above a pool table. She’s hung herself. The FRAME FREEZES and a graphic appears: “Miss Scarlett in the billiard room with the rope.”

CUT TO:

INT.

SLAB'S HOUSE FOYER - NIGHT

The Killer from a previous scene. The FRAME FREEZES and a graphic appears: ”The Killer changed his name, bought a house and settled down. He is currently a branch manager of Kinkos in Pacoima and active in the PTA".
SOME PREVIOUS SCENE

Dawson and Martina from a previous scene. The FRAME FREEZES and a graphic appears: “Dawson and Martina lasted until the prom. Martina went on to hit .400, got a crew cut and joined the LPGA. Dawson is now negotiating a sequel.”

The Poster

More Information

INT.

VO

VO

Fade up on

SCREW

KILLER

SCREW

KILLER

SCREW

KILLER

SCREW

KILLER

SCREW

KILLER

STINGER:

SCREW

KILLER

SCREW

KILLER

SCREW

KILLER

SCREW

KILLER

SFX:

SCREW

SFX:

SFX:

BACKGROUND:

SCREW

OPERATOR

KILLER

OPERATOR

SCREW

KILLER

SCREW

KILLER

SCREW

KILLER

SCREW

KILLER

SCREW

SFX:

ANGLE ON

THE KILLER

FADE UP ON:

EXT.

CUT TO:

INT.

STUDENT #1

STUDENT #2

STUDENT #1

STUDENT #2

STUDENT #1

BACKGROUND:

INT.

MRS. PEACOCK

BACKGROUND:

BACKGROUND:

MRS. PEACOCK

SLAB

SLAB

DAWSON

MRS. PEACOCK

STINGER:

PRINCIPAL

BONER

MRS. PEACOCK

PRINCIPAL

STINGER:

MRS. PEACOCK

AFKAP

AFKAP

BONER

AFKAP

ANGLE ON

BONER

BARBARA

DAWSON