Empty-V's Investigative Reporter Hagitha Utslay (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen) reports live from Bulemia Falls High School,
the sight of the station's hot new show "Spring Break Massacre."
The school has been plagued with a rash of student murders
and its principal, the "administrator formerly known as Prince" (Coolio) is taking no more chances.
He has brought in local
detective/mall security guard Doughy Primessuspeckt (Tom Arnold) to prevent any more murders from happening, but even Doughy
fears "at least one more kid will take an ax to the head."
The film centers around Bulemia Falls High School….home of the Hurlers.
With a staff that includes a nurse named Kevorkian (Shirley Jones), a swim
teacher named Hasselhoff (Artie Lange), a French teacher named Madame La Tourneau,
(Mink Stole) and its very own school pimp, played by Jimmie “JJ” Walker, it is
definitely not your run-of-the-mill learning institution.
But don’t let its one-star faculty make you think this school has no amenities.
It houses a movie theatre currently running the double feature, “Motley Screw:
The Tommy and Pamela Story” and “Mr. Doubtfire” starring Marv Albert.
The school also has a tanning salon, a saloon called the Ye Old Locker, a nail salon, a women’s
clinic currently running a 2 for 1 Breast Augmentation Sale, a “get out of class”
note dispenser, lockers with alarms on them and … A KILLER.
But that’s all about to change. The breast augmentation sale is for a limited time
only and ever since Billy kept bringing in notes that stated he couldn’t do his homework
because he was dead, the school decided to get rid of the note dispenser.
As far as the killer, he has set his sights on the wrong students - jock bonehead
Slab (Simon Rex); blonde dimwit, Barbara (Julie Benz); macho dyke, Martina (Majandro Delfino)
; high school virgin of the year, Boner (Danny Strong) and new kid Dawson (Harley Cross)
– because they are ready to take matters into their own hands.
But neither the killer nor the students are prepared for the obstacle the school is about to throw in their way:
Mall security guard Doughy Primessuspect(Tom Arnold).
“Once he’s on the case it becomes difficult to figure out who’s more dangerous, the murderer or the sleuth himself,” said Nemeth.
“Doughy is a walking accident waiting to happen and is one clue short of having an idea
of how to capture a criminal.
“The principal known as ‘administrator formerly known as Principal (Coolio), has an office with a Jacuzzi tub, television-monitoring system linked to the girls locker room, a margarita machine and a
collection of disciplinary tools hanging on the wall.
In addition, the film also spoofs a few of the classic films from the past. There is a Greased Lighting
(“Grease”) sequence and a scene where a vintage Chevy a.k.a. “Christine,” driven by the killer, is about
to run one of the dumber students over in auto class, just prior to being pulled over by a motorcycle cop.
And what would a high school spoof be without your dumb jock? Meet Slab, your basic, “I got through
high school but couldn’t tell you how to spell my name,” meathead, played so brilliantly by ex MTV V.J.
And there is Martina, you could call her the Martina Navratalova of Bulimia Falls High School.
The female jock who is pretty in a dykish sort of way. But she does sort of fall for Dawson (Harley Cross) who
brings to life that character. He is The New Kid on the block, and he fits right in with the hip Bulimia Falls clique. But later in the film we learn about his shaky past.
Unlike Dawson from ‘Dawson’s Creek.’, you learn his parents were found bludgeoned in his house and he was a prime suspect.
And though he was found not guilty, it didn’t stop Hagitha Utslay from writing a best selling book ‘Dawson is a Murderer.”
Then there is Boner, who couldn’t lose his virginity at a Lilith Fair concert if he brought a hooker
as his date. Played by Danny Strong who admits, “the character was written based on my life,” he somehow
messes up every opportunity he gets to get laid.
And of course we have the dizzy blonde and local “Kielbasa Queen” Barbara, played by Julie Benz.
The pivotal character, Empty-V tabloid reporter Hagitha Utslay,(Tiffani-Amber Thiessen),
is this slutty (hence Utslay which is pig Latin for slut) reporter who
leaches on to Doughy (Tom Arnold) and somehow tries to get to the bottom of the case.
Other cameos seen in the film are plentiful.
For Nurse Kavorkian, there is America’s favorite mother, Shirley Jones.
For the character of the swimming coach Mr. Hasselhoff, the production
brought in Artie Lange.
In addition there are also cameos by Jimmy “JJ” Walker as the pimp, Mink Stole
as Madame La Tourneau and Rose Marie as Mrs. Tingle.
With so many zany characters and a freewheeling story, production of the film was bound to get wild and crazy.